Unasked for advice from a mother of five

I was at the grocery story today and there was a young mother with two daughters. The older girl was sent to follow the youngest one around the store, riding herd on her while the the littlest one screamed in rebellion at everything. Especially at the older sister “who isn’t the boss of me!” The mother calmly ignored them both, giving me the feeling that this was normal for this family, and continued shopping.
It was distracting and caused a great deal stress for all those in the store.

She didn’t ask my advice. But if she had this is what I would have said.

1. Go in the store with a strategy. Before you are even in that stressful situation, agree what the plan will be by talking with your child ahead of time. Let them know before they enter the store that good behavior will result in something they like. (extra time on the TV, a treat at the check out, more time to play etc.) And bad behavior will result in something they don’t. (No candy at the check out, no horsey ride at Meijers, etc.)

2. Follow through with your plan! Calmly remind them of your deal and what they have to loose if they choose not to listen. Don’t loose your temper.

3. “She didn’t believe me, she’s screaming again, and I’m still in the same boat! Now what do I do?” First, take a deep breath and relax. I expected this. She is used to getting her own way and you are used to giving it to her to keep from making a scene. So? Don’t give it to her.

Pick her up, leave the groceries in the store and return to your car. She doesn’t get to make a scene and force you into letting her have control. (Of course, you don’t get to do your groceries in that moment, but groceries will always be there, and this teachable moment won’t.)

Do NOT let her have a treat or reward her bad behavior.

3. Rinse and repeat. Do this as many times as it takes for her to understand that that behavior won’t be accepted in polite company. Don’t get upset, don’t make threats, don’t shame her, simply remove her from the situation and isolate her in a place that’s neutral territory until she’s gained self control (while you keep yours). Once she has a grip and is calm again you can talk about what happened.

If you get her home and she’s completely lost her cool and melting in a lay-on-the-floor in a kick and scream kind of way, set her in her room and shut the door. It’s a safe place to fall apart. It’s okay to fall apart sometimes, especially when your body has just developed enough to experience complex and powerful emotions. It’s pretty whelming. Screaming and stomping, hitting the pillow, and crying till they are exhausted is okay when they are in their room. They aren’t being punished, they are in their own safe place to learn how to control themselves.

Violent behavior, hitting, destroying the room to try to get back at you is NOT okay. At that point, if your family believes in corporeal discipline, there’s your moment. But use it very sparingly, as a last resort, and even then it should shock them into a change of behavior, not set them off further. Hug them when you are done, making it clear that you will not tolerate the abuse or destruction, but you love them.

If you do not believe in physical discipline, then hold them in your lap with your arms wrapped around them until the violence passes. (This works only when they are tiny, when they get too big it becomes a wrestling match and much harder.)

Here’s the thing. As long as you take responsibility for her emotions, she won’t have to. The idea is to communicate to her that she has the power to have a good day (with shopping, and what ever carrot you use for positive feedback) or a bad day (no shopping, no carrot and possibly time in her room if she can’t keep herself under control) all based on her ability to manage herself.

This frees you up to be her cheerleader! You get to be happy with her when she makes a good decision and behaves well. You can also be sad for her when she makes a bad decision. It doesn’t put you in the place where you have to be the bad guy, because her action is what causes the reaction that she gets. ”I’m sorry we can’t get your gummy bears today, I was really looking forward to it too. Maybe we can try again tomorrow.” And to help her succeed, make sure that you go at a time when she’s less likely to be over-tired.

The most important thing is that you keep giving her opportunities.

It puts you on the same side as her, letting her practice self-control and reaping the consequences. This is a valuable lesson for any child to learn. It’s how the world works. Standing between your child and the consequences doesn’t help them grow. In fact, when you do stand between, it retards their growth and they learn, not how the world works, but how to manipulate you.

And that’s my unasked for advice.