My Life's Work

I had started a family web site not too long ago.  I had dreams of it keeping us all connected as the kids all grew up and moved out and started lives of their own.  I had a family calender and a family blog - thinking that we could all post things to a community site that would store it all.  The problem was it didn't "take".  I was the only one there and it remained my own vision.  Part of publishing to a blog is that you are speaking TO someone.  At the other site, I was speaking mainly to myself, out loud in an empty room. 

So I am moving select posts here; ones that are generic enough for friends who wander over from facebook or catch me on the net somehow through a search engine.  This way, when my kids are ready to read what I write and leave behind for them - it will be out here.  I'll migrate the stuff I don't want lost from there, over to here.  While in a sense I'm still talking to an empty room, (not much in the way of comments here) I do so now with the front door open. 

So if you are there at the door, listening in on my day today, what follows is a re post from that other blog.  In fact, it's the very first post from that one.  I was stating my reasons for creating it in the first place. 

It's funny, I just caught myself the other day saying exactly this same thing to Lys.  It was ready to speak because I'd already articulated the thought here in this format.

I'm looking for finding creative ways to use what I know and help those around me - specifically a written record for my kids. I don't know how long God will give me with you guys. Right now I'm healthy (though overweight) and not on any long term medications. This is the only legacy I will be able to leave to you guys, you are my life's work. Leaving written or photographic records is my way of banking something for your future, by establishing a steady past (foundation) to build on.


The rest is up to you. Your choices, your reactions to the things you can't control... all of them will build options and limitations of your own making. You get the credit for what you do with what you are given. If you are successful, it will be because you made the choices and imagined your future with it's goals and dreams, not me


But your past? Your understanding of what common sense is? That is something I have been giving you from the start, intentional parenting, making you my highest priority and life's work.

Unasked for advice from a mother of five

I was at the grocery story today and there was a young mother with two daughters. The older girl was sent to follow the youngest one around the store, riding herd on her while the the littlest one screamed in rebellion at everything. Especially at the older sister “who isn’t the boss of me!” The mother calmly ignored them both, giving me the feeling that this was normal for this family, and continued shopping.
It was distracting and caused a great deal stress for all those in the store.

She didn’t ask my advice. But if she had this is what I would have said.

1. Go in the store with a strategy. Before you are even in that stressful situation, agree what the plan will be by talking with your child ahead of time. Let them know before they enter the store that good behavior will result in something they like. (extra time on the TV, a treat at the check out, more time to play etc.) And bad behavior will result in something they don’t. (No candy at the check out, no horsey ride at Meijers, etc.)

2. Follow through with your plan! Calmly remind them of your deal and what they have to loose if they choose not to listen. Don’t loose your temper.

3. “She didn’t believe me, she’s screaming again, and I’m still in the same boat! Now what do I do?” First, take a deep breath and relax. I expected this. She is used to getting her own way and you are used to giving it to her to keep from making a scene. So? Don’t give it to her.

Pick her up, leave the groceries in the store and return to your car. She doesn’t get to make a scene and force you into letting her have control. (Of course, you don’t get to do your groceries in that moment, but groceries will always be there, and this teachable moment won’t.)

Do NOT let her have a treat or reward her bad behavior.

3. Rinse and repeat. Do this as many times as it takes for her to understand that that behavior won’t be accepted in polite company. Don’t get upset, don’t make threats, don’t shame her, simply remove her from the situation and isolate her in a place that’s neutral territory until she’s gained self control (while you keep yours). Once she has a grip and is calm again you can talk about what happened.

If you get her home and she’s completely lost her cool and melting in a lay-on-the-floor in a kick and scream kind of way, set her in her room and shut the door. It’s a safe place to fall apart. It’s okay to fall apart sometimes, especially when your body has just developed enough to experience complex and powerful emotions. It’s pretty whelming. Screaming and stomping, hitting the pillow, and crying till they are exhausted is okay when they are in their room. They aren’t being punished, they are in their own safe place to learn how to control themselves.

Violent behavior, hitting, destroying the room to try to get back at you is NOT okay. At that point, if your family believes in corporeal discipline, there’s your moment. But use it very sparingly, as a last resort, and even then it should shock them into a change of behavior, not set them off further. Hug them when you are done, making it clear that you will not tolerate the abuse or destruction, but you love them.

If you do not believe in physical discipline, then hold them in your lap with your arms wrapped around them until the violence passes. (This works only when they are tiny, when they get too big it becomes a wrestling match and much harder.)

Here’s the thing. As long as you take responsibility for her emotions, she won’t have to. The idea is to communicate to her that she has the power to have a good day (with shopping, and what ever carrot you use for positive feedback) or a bad day (no shopping, no carrot and possibly time in her room if she can’t keep herself under control) all based on her ability to manage herself.

This frees you up to be her cheerleader! You get to be happy with her when she makes a good decision and behaves well. You can also be sad for her when she makes a bad decision. It doesn’t put you in the place where you have to be the bad guy, because her action is what causes the reaction that she gets. ”I’m sorry we can’t get your gummy bears today, I was really looking forward to it too. Maybe we can try again tomorrow.” And to help her succeed, make sure that you go at a time when she’s less likely to be over-tired.

The most important thing is that you keep giving her opportunities.

It puts you on the same side as her, letting her practice self-control and reaping the consequences. This is a valuable lesson for any child to learn. It’s how the world works. Standing between your child and the consequences doesn’t help them grow. In fact, when you do stand between, it retards their growth and they learn, not how the world works, but how to manipulate you.

And that’s my unasked for advice.