Feeling Isolated Today

November 21, 2005


Okay, I have to tell you this very cool thing we are doing at the www.notebored.com/board. I have started a thread inviting everyone to an imaginary Christmas party. We all imagined what the room would look like, (dimensions, features and such) and now we are decorating it. All who participate –those who reply to the thread- will share stories, traditions, recipes and whatever else comes along. On the week of Christmas, we will trade presents. If it’s the thought that counts, and a picture is worth a thousand words (not to mention that if it’s imaginary you can gift your friends without the thought of a budget) then giving imaginary presents will be fun.

Does this sound weird? Maybe. If it sounds fun to you, you are welcome to join us.

Isn’t it sad when the most interesting or exciting thing that’s happening in your life is a playful conversation thread at an online community? Well, I guess that’s not entirely true, I have a birthday party to bake a cake for, Alyssa turns 12 today. That’s kinda exciting LOL, especially for her.

The daycare is busy, and that’s good. But it also means that my writing time has been cut down drastically. I am able to keep up on some of (not all of) the threads at the NoteBored. I can have the computer on all day long, but only able to check messages or catch up a thread here or there. I haven’t sat down long enough to really write on a story or even feel like I can participate in an instant message conversation in … months it feels like. At first, it made me feel grumpy, then stifled. Now I am feeling isolated.

For instance, I started this post at about 8:30 this morning. It’s now nearly 11:00 and I have checked kids in, got them breakfast, did dishes, started a load of laundry, did a round of diaper changes, had a tickle fest and read a picture book, and in between all of that, I have been pecking one graph at a time here. What doesn’t translate well here, are the many times I stop what I am doing to monitor and deal with the kids that doesn’t involve just doing a job… It’s more about heading off conflicts between sibs, teaching the older ones how to deal gently with the toddlers who want to play with the older ones but don’t have the people skills or the vocabulary yet to manage it. It’s about listening to the way the kids are talking to one another and making sure they are using their words and being kind to one another. Sometimes I have a toddler who has just learned the fine motor skill of throwing something, teaching them to not throw toys, just because they now can is a challenge! I have kids that drool and drip, they need to be wiped up and the toys they are playing with have to be set aside to be washed before being kicked “back into play” so to speak.

Ahhh, I am probably boring you all to death. My job isn’t glamorous. It doesn’t have new challenges, just the same ones that have to be done over and over again. Kissing boo boo’s, tying aprons for dress up, setting the timer and putting kids on the potty every 40 minutes, comforting children who don’t understand why mommy and daddy have to be gone, the repetitive conversations about where mommy is and when she is coming back…

Underneath it all though, I know I am making an impact on families. I know that my home is a safe place to be. Miss Dee’s is a house of kindness and compassion for each other. They are learning through consistent reinforcement how to treat one another.

Yeah, it’s all those things. And it’s all good.

But it’s not glamorous or challenging to me.

I do have glamorous clients though. Really! I have two mommies who are models, a few who are speech therapists; a few computer programmers, one is even a best selling novelist… how cool is that?

In spite of all the whining you just heard, I think that what I do is valuable, I find satisfaction in the fact that I do it well. Very well. It’s just that, I have been doing this since I was 13. I did public care for kids until I had my own, then spent 15 years raising my 5 till they were in school full time, and now at 37 I am back to it.

How many of us would like to be doing other things but can’t because they have to feed their families and pay their bills? So my whining is really minor in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes it feels good to just spit it out and let it go though, you know? I have found that it’s very hard to hold on to the blessings God would give us because our hands are full of our own wants, desires and dreams. How can I possibly be of use to Him if I am constantly trying to get my own way? So, today I am letting it go (like I do many days) and opening my hands to what He has for me to do, finding the joy in these moments, and refusing to let the wishing for other things spoil my today.

So, now it is cleanup time. I will switch the laundry to the drier and check diapers again before setting the kiddos up for lunch. (Yes, it’s now closer to noon.) I am going to post this now, before we do clean up, otherwise it won’t be until after 1:00 before I can sit down again.

Thank you for tagging along with me today. Somehow I don’t feel as alone when I journal my thoughts.