Re Purposing

Sunday I had a family from church over for lunch. It was a first time visit, and was full of the first impression jitters you get when someone new is in your house. You worry that they will notice all the stains in your carpet, for instance.  And you look at your house like you would if you were seeing it for the first time.  You notice all sorts of things you hadn't before - because you'd gotten used to it. (Yeah, I seriously need to take down my curtains and wash them...)

In conversation with Tammy, (the mom in the family I just mentioned) I discovered someone I could relate to. She's a writer, she's a mom and she home scooled. (Okay, I ran a day care and only home schooled one of my kids for a semester, but we travelled much of the same road.) Like me, she's looking at the day when her kids are all grown and don't need her the same way any more. She called it "re purposing her life". She's still figuring out what that means, what it will look like on her, and I guess I am too.

I took my daughter to her college class yesterday and she was thrilled to see a lady she knew when she was in grade school, it was her favorite para pro (teacher's helper assigned to some specific kids in a class room). My daughter is going to school to be a teacher, because her life has been significantly touched by a few ladies who made working with kids more than just their job, of which Mrs. Wing is one of them. Because we were there early, I was able to hear some of Mrs. Wing's reasons for taking classes at the community college. She's going to become a social worker, specifically helping out kids in the foster care program. Working with kids is her calling, and she's squeezing in classes so that when her kids are all in college, she will be ready to move on to the next thing. It made sense that she worked with the schools while her kids were in the public school system so that her schedule could be the same. Now that they are moving on... she is too.

And so, I reflect on my life. What's next for me? I've sent out a few applications for jobs that were hinted at, but not offered in the end. I do so much of the "mom's taxi" stuff right now that getting a job would put more on my husband's plate than it would take off. But I seriously only have a few years of this left before they are going to be driving themselves, and one by one moving out.

I like the word that Tammy used, re purposing. I'm struggling. Partly I struggle with redefining myself, making the decision on what I want to be when I grow up. Much the same as my girls are struggling now with deciding what courses and which college they should go to.

But I need a purpose. I need to know that what I am pouring my life into matters.

I've spent a lifetime pouring into children, my own and others. I was in the child care industry (babysitting, nanny, daycare center and then running my own for a while) and then with my own kids. But that's awfully hard to write on a resume. I've always been a mom, ever since they put my infant brother in my arms at three years old. What will I be in 4 years when my own baby is in college?

I thought for a while I would be a web designer, took a class that I aced, but realized that what I liked was the creativity.  The web was a fun medium, but the coding - and the reality of what that kind of job is, wasn't what I was looking for. So I retain most of that knowledge, but mainstream has caught up to the stuff that I'd taught myself.  Most people are tech savvy and understand the basics of HTML.

I taught myself how to write, and I've gotten some success at writing short stories, I'm even halfway into my second novel. But I don't hold any hopes of becoming a writer that can support her family with it. I don't think I have the competitive spirit that you need to put yourself out there and sell yourself to agents, convincing them that they can make money off of you. Plus, the industry is really changing out there. Anyone can publish, thanks to e-books and e-publishers but not everyone has marketing.

I've been taking pictures. We invested in a good camera and I'm building equipment to make a portable studio. I'm going to explore that next. Can I make this something that I can pour myself into? Will it have purpose, and can I enrich both my life and the life of someone else while I do it? Can I spend the money it will cost to take photography classes, or will that be stealing resources from the girls?

I don't mean to sound like I'm whining. And if you know me personally, you've heard this diatribe before. I'm re purposing myself. I'm doing internal house cleaning and it takes time. And I'm not done yet.

Being a full-time mom, pouring my life into my kids and being intentional with how I parent, what things I teach them (90% of that through example, not words) is a hard act to follow. Is there anything else that full filling out there to do? It might not have been brain surgery, but it was life-building. And it's all I've ever been exceptional at. Without the kids for me to point to, how do I define myself? They are my life's work and my great opus.

I won't tie them to me through enabling, or hobble them through manipulation to continue to meet my needs for identification. I've raised them to be adults, not children. And, I hope that when God looks at the role I've played in preparing them for His service, that He'll be proud of me.

And now it's my turn to be shaped and molded... I am being re purposed.

Taking pictures for families, senior photos or whatever, doesn't seem on the outside to have much of a "pouring-my-life" factor to it, but it will get me out of the house. It will put me in contact with other people. It will give me a place to be and a thing to do. (some pocket money) And if my heart is fully trusting in the Lord, He can work with anything I'm doing.

Writing, web-work, and photography seem to fit together well. Who knows what may come of it. While I might not specialize in any single of those things, some doors open nicely when you put them in concert. And from a distance I can see a kind of plan or structure in learning them one at a time.

Will you pray for me? Pray for wisdom and guidance. Some of you have been praying for some time, I've sort of been complaining about if for a while now as I do self-inventory and try to see around the corners of my future.

For others this is the first time you've heard me say this and it's scary, being vulnerable in a public setting. I also know, that there are other women like me who are going through the same thing, the same internal housekeeping, and maybe if that person is you, you won't feel left out there by yourself.

My deep, deep thanks to ladies like Tammy and Mrs. Wing, who reminded me this week ...that I'm not alone.