Yesterday I made a consultation appointment with an orthopedic surgeon. Jessica is going to have scoliosis surgery to have rods put in her back. This consultation is to interview her and ask her questions. If that goes well and we are comfortable with the answers she provides, then we will likely set the date for the operation.
I opened the blog to talk about it, but now that I have, I feel pretty numb and the words aren't there. I can't even explain why this has been so hard for me, and it's not even me who will have the surgery! I've been so set on doing everything I could to keep her from having to have surgery, a last resort sort of thing, and then now here it is ...and it's scary.
To top it off, I feel selfish - wrong - that I am the one wigging out. *sigh*
So, I will give myself permission to wig for now. I have a few more days to pull it together. Then I have to be able to put the emotions aside, the ones that paralyze me and keep me from thinking. Jess is going to take her cues from us. She needs us to be strong and confident. I don't think I can fake it though. I don't think I can be terrified on the inside and pretend on the outside.
So. Yeah.
I'll wig out on the inside for a little while, and then? Then I'll lean really heavy on the Lord. I'll trust Him to have control of all the things that I don't. I won't let myself obsess over the complications that can happen. I won't let those fears stop me from doing the right thing for her.
Okay, talking about it helps. It helps for the feeling part. Putting words to it, is sort of like poking a hole in the balloon of it.
The thing is, even if I feel... wiggy, trust is more about what I do and not about how I feel. The feelings are good for identifying what's going on inside me, but I can't let them define my actions. So the pep talk you just heard me give myself has a purpose in reminding me that my faith, my trust in God, is not based in my feelings. This gives me hope in place of the feelings. Hope that's not dependant on my ability to sustain it, because that hope is in God, not my own strength.
Apparently, I needed the reminder.
Anyway, pray for us?
Sometimes it's nice to see life from someone else's point of view. I am a mother, writer and amateur photographer. This is what the view looks like from where I am standing.
2 comments:
Dee, it is my belief (not being a parent myself) that the wiggling feeling is totally based on the very rational and real fear of a parent who dearly loves her child. The fact that you have to place a significant amount of trust and faith in the doctor and their team, and more importantly in God to guide them through the surgery and keep her safe. This is so very hard to do. Remember he will not give his children more than they can handle.
May god be with your family during this time.
Dave
Thanks, Dave. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to sit with me a while.
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